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A man's on the electric chair, getting ready to
meet his maker. The warden is preparing to throw the switch when
the man gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The man replies, "(hic) Yeah! (hic) Could
you please do (hic), could you please do (hic) something to scare
me?" |
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what
to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed
to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the
donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few
shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and
was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit
his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake
it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to
shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take
a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped
up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The
trick to Getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a
step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake
it off and take a step up!
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THE GEOGRAPHY
OF A WOMAN |
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Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile
deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America,
well developed and open to trade especially for someone
with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very
hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between
36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still
a warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41
and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between
51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between
61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70,
they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there. |
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THE GEOGRAPHY
OF A MAN |
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Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq -ruled
by a prick |
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WHY WE LOVE
CHILDREN
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm
thirsty. Can you bring drink "No. You had your
chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm
THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I
told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When
you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" |
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An exasperated mother, whose son was
always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How
do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought
it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!" |
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An exasperated mother, whose son was
always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How
do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought
it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out! |
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His
mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm
doing my math homework, Mom." "And this
is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated,
the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?" The teacher
replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After
the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." |
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Five
surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table because you open them up,
everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but
you should try electricians! Everything is color-coded." The
third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order".
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end." BUT the fifth surgeon shut them all up
when he observed, "You're all wrong Politicians are the easiest
to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine and the
head and ass are interchangeable." |
Carter and Breznev
came out from the adjacent doors and got together. -Finally we
are completely disarmed, said Carter.
-Yes. Now we can trust each other, replayed Breznev.
-Hey you! Stop talking and go back to your cells, shouted a
Chinese warder. |
American
journalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the
table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarrass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there. |
An American
physician asked his Russian colleague:
- Is it true that there are cases in your country where a
patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy
reveal another cause of death.
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we
treat them for. |
An American
has offered some caviar to Rabinowich.
-O, my goodness, said Rabinowich. How far are you dropped behind
us! We ate this 50 years ago. |
During his
visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone
capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the
devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home,
he found out that this same service was now available in the US
too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon
was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call. |
News from
abroad:
The first issue of dollars printed in the Russian language was
announced today in Washington |
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